I have been toying with this post for a long time.
Actually, no I haven’t. I have been feeling negative for a long time, and it was only when piecing this post together that I had my lightbulb moment. Maybe it’s just me. If I’m alone in feeling this way, then so be it. But I have fallen out of love with plus size blogging.
I guess it started with my own low self esteem. I was never pretty enough, or got enough readers. People who I thought were my friends were ignoring my ‘online presence’ while praising others who weren’t working as hard, or producing interesting content. I pushed myself to identify why it was hurting me so much and I came up with three answers.
Snakes in the grass. Why were people mean about other PSBloggers behind closed doors, but their biggest supporters in public? Why did it only happen to be the bloggers with high follower counts who were supported by people like this? Are their friendships formed solely on who can further their own success the fastest? I reached an unhealthy moment where I realised I was testing people. Sure enough, they would ignore me when I was nobody, or they would respond when I posted something that people were retweeting. I was not Sophie, I was Busy Little Fee. And BLF has never been a popular person (neither has Sophie, for that matter) so why waste breath on somebody who isn’t current? In the community I have seen allegiances shifting all over the place, and while a certain amount of that can be expected in a large group of people, sometimes these changes happened within the same day. I’m closer to 30 than I am to 20 now. I can’t waste my life on fake.
And then there was the issue of the plus size blogging itself. I felt like we were really getting somewhere, honestly I did. And then suddenly we seem to have jumped back a step. Like its okay to be plus size if you’re a smaller plus. It’s okay to love your squishy tummy if you’re under a 24, but anything over and you just don’t get views because you don’t have the right image. Suddenly the viral fats were the size 20s who angled their cameras in certain ways and kept one arm in front of their stomachs to appear smaller. The development of an “acceptable plus size” has been a very difficult pill to swallow in a community where I finally found a place to exist in peace, and suddenly it was not okay anymore.
The false positivity bothered me. Bothers me. The rejection of any negative emotion unless there is an illness or ailment to specifically pin it to. The denial of jealousy, sadness, anger, guilt, rage. The denial that we are human and it is okay to compare. The rude comments in private, followed by the pushing yourself to pretend you are 100% IN SUPPORT in public is just false, unnatural and unnecessary. It felt like if I didn’t constantly pretend I was okay I wasn’t acceptable anymore. So I have been silent. Or only the overwhelmingly negative thoughts have come out, leaving people believing that negativity was all I had to offer. I feel like my personality has been beaten out of me by some members of the plus size community. I’ve been too boring, too negative, too fat, not pretty enough, not popular enough, not entertaining enough. And I let the people who made me feel that way win. But not anymore.
I am Sophie. Sometimes I am sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes I’m pissed off. Sometimes I wear nice clothes. Sometimes I don’t even wash my hair.
Sometimes I feel the pressure of the world on my shoulders. Sometimes I put that pressure on myself. Sometimes I can’t cope.
If you’ve got this far without bad mouthing me in a private group or questioning which parts were aimed at you, thank you for being a friend. I hope I can build myself up from here.